In fact, we had so much fun talking with her that we asked her to write a monthly sex and relationship advice column. Have a burning question?. I am a married year-old woman with two kids. My life is really perfect—I love my job, my children are healthy and my husband is great. Relationship question answer advice column where readers ask questions and Second marriages are a lot more difficult than first marriages when there are.
Five effective ways to lose a husband. Don't let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life," she warns, wagging her finger so hard at the reader that she created a chaos effect in a rainforest on the other side of the world. She then goes on to list the five marriage killers, which range from living outside your means "Constantly complaining about not having enough to fulfill your lavish desires or racking up astronomical amounts of debt on your credit card is a poor way of saying "thank you" to a faithful spouse who works hard every day to provide for the family" to withholding affection "Sex should not be used as a tool to control your spouse; it should be viewed as a sacred tool to draw you closer to one another and to God".
Advertisement Clearly, this is a very specific type of relationship advice: Nothing especially wrong with that approach to life, except when you write it down as gospel and it sticks in the craw of 7. However, I may be alone in this, but I reached the end of this sermon on the mountain of righteousness and found myself feeling not unlike King Theoden at the battle of Helm's Deep, barking "Is this it?
Is this all you can conjure, Saruman? Buy a commemorative Peter Brock framed photo. Start to spend a lot of time sitting by it, laughing as though you're having a fantastic conversation.
While conversing with your husband, make sure to mention what "Brockie" might think at any given moment. Get into the habit of buying two Happy Meals, one for you and one for Brockie, every Friday afternoon. Then, after a few weeks of this, have an immense argument with the framed photo of Brockie, take it off the wall, and leave it in the back garden. I am so afraid he will never come home.
He has always been an outdoor lover and has taken many trips but this trip will tax him maximally. He says he wants to go now before we have children. What can I do to stop him?
I am not sure you can. You knew he had this tendency when you married him.
Dear Mrs. Web Personal Advice Column -- Welcome!
People do not give up the things they do just because they get married. No wedding ring has turned a roamer into a faithful husband or a dare devil into a cream puff. I applaud his wisdom in understanding that once he has children these expeditions are history. Wives, on the other hand, usually know what they are getting into. Web, My wife is prickly and angry most of the time.
She takes her anger out on our seven-year-old daughter and me. We have not had a decent conversation in months; all the words between us are either about running the household or words of disagreement. My wife is under a lot of stress at work but I am so tired of her angry tirades I just want to leave.
A very occasional blow up teaches children we all are human and make mistakes.
Of course, then you show them how to use regret, sorrow, and humility to begin to repair the damage caused by the angry words. Your work here is to take charge and get your entire family into family counseling. Nothing can change unless that is controlled.
Web, My husband is a computer engineer and I am a writer and artist. He calls me random access and he is so sequentially oriented that I am crawling up the wall. We have been married less than a year and we are arguing and frustrated with each other. Most "random access" people marry "sequentially ordered" ones. There is an old saying about the rocks in his head fitting the holes in her. We tend to choose mates who compliment us rather than copy us. It makes for balance. The down side of course, is that opposites need to be respectful and negotiate a lot.
When we discover this in a marriage that other pithy saying comes to mind: All old marrieds will tell you both that this is where the marriage really begins. How you both learn to handle your differences will over time set the tone for your marriage, and your family.
Most couples will agree it is a life-long process. Web, My wealthy in-laws have once again offered us money to finish another part of our unfinished house. I appreciate their offer, but feel as an adult, both my husband and I should be able without their help to financially support ourselves and our two children.
My husband expects them to pay for a variety of things he wants and depends on them to bail him out of financial situations. This is an area where my husband and I strongly disagree.
The marriage-advice column that has everyone outraged
I would rather not accept their money knowing that if we truly had a crisis, they could be a possible resource. My husband and I usually butt heads over this matter. Am I just being stubborn? Should I graciously accept their offer and let it go?
Or should I stick to my guns and encourage my husband to be a responsible, independent adult? I personally think it is wonderful when family members help each other and the occasional gracious financial gift from parents to their struggling adult children is just fine.
Patterns of dependence, however, running deep into a marriage tend to undermine the solidarity, intimacy and cooperative work needed by a husband and wife to sustain healthy family life. Because of the dependence, in some ways your in-laws are in the middle of your marriage. On the other hand, you are involved with a man who has a long-standing dependence on his parents, something that you may have ignored or thought would change over time. This issue is a core value difference. It may lead to your family living beyond its means or having expectations that do not line up with the reality of your earned income.
A major factor in this problem is that your husband apparently sees no problem with this dependence. Changing long-term core issues is difficult, even when the changing person desperately longs for things to be different. Your husband sees no real problem except perhaps you about this issue and has no interest or motivation for the changes you want.
Plainly put, your encouragement to change is of little use. You have a family. A place that meets some of both of your needs instead of you alternately giving up or getting mad. Graciously accepting gifts from your in-laws, but also living within a budget may be an acceptable negotiation as well as good modeling for your children. Web, I am getting married next spring to a man with a ten-year-old daughter. Should she be in the wedding as a junior bridesmaid? I was always under the impression anyone the bride wanted could be in the wedding party, including future stepdaughters.
If she is interested, it could be a nice touch for her that day. If she is not interested, I would not insist. Web, I have been so unhappy in my marriage. My husband has, in the past, treated me meanly and every time I think of it, I get so hurt and angry. I just cannot get over it and move on. Meanness is a part of the human condition. People act as if it is unexpected, but it is always an option. Marriage is a place where meanness can really cut loose, for we can often treat those closest to us poorly.
Overcoming the hurt and anger engendered by meanness can take some work. I would recommend finding a good marriage and family therapist or pastoral counselor. WebA few days ago, you talked about commitment in marriage and starting over. What does one do when there is no commitment? When there is no connection, no kids, and no ties, just dead air. And when the spouse refuses to work on anything? Sometimes marriages are irretrievably broken. When someone describes his or her mate as you have described yours, though, I think there is one good final effort.
I would tell him or her to look at the alienated, non-participating spouse with the eyes of compassion. This could be hard when one is asked to become softhearted about that cold, belching lump in front of the television. I think it is a good exercise to list out the reasons that your spouse is stuck. You will start seeing the things that annoy you in a different light: The different light on your spouse will cause you to treat him or her with a different attitude.
Attitudes can rub off. Movement can be discerned and faltering steps toward rebuilding can be taken. This is not a guaranteed method, but it is a possibility.
There also are marriage building and marriage saving intensive five and seven day workshops available for couples at the end of their tether. Good luck and let me know… Dear Mrs. Web, My husband and I married rather late in life, in our early forties. He lived at home caring for his parents before our marriage. I work in health care and my husband works in the insurance industry.
I put in a ten-hour day five days a week. Then I come home to all the house work and meal preparation. We live in his parents old home and it is a big one. He does nothing towards upkeep except yard work and maintaining the car. I have had long talks and big arguments with him. His selfishness is driving a big wedge into our marriage.
What should I do? I would hesitate calling your husband selfish. Untrained would be a better word. People do what they are used to doing and no more. Most women have been trained from childhood to see and respond to chores. Many men have not had that training. If I were in your shoes, I would spend several coffee breaks listing out all the chores in your establishment.
Then I would sort them into daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual lists. Sitting down with my husband, I would then ask him to pick one from each category. Then I would do the same. Alternate until all the chores are picked. Show your husband how to do the chores. You would be surprised how little people know about household chores.
List the chores where you both will see them and expect that they will be done. Just have both check-off what they have done. A reward for each day of completed chores is a great incentive. Pick something he would like: Five dollars towards that island golf and beach tour you both wanted to take. Or towards a bass boat. This solution may be initially expensive but the wear and tear on your nerves and the marriage make it money well spent. In a few months, these good habits will be ingrained and how you both decide to reward that is not Dear Mrs.
Web, My husband has been a recovering alcoholic for about a year. He is in AA. He walks around here making pronouncements about our lives. In the middle of arguments, he begins chuckling and laughing at me, shaking his head and walking away. A problem with alcoholics is that as they become sober they become the people they really are.
That is sometimes not a very attractive human being. All those years of drinking have not improved their maturity or their character. They can act like obnoxious fifteen-year-olds who have been to an encounter group. In between sobriety and the twelfth step, there are the steps that will help your husband mature in his sobriety. Done with commitment and good guidance, your husband will achieve sobriety and gain a better character.
It takes time though. It is a group for the spouses and families of recovering alcoholics. It will help you detach from his behaviors. When there has been nothing except struggle. When all that keeps you there are the children, and you feel like you are dying inside? There is no respect, honor, or love in our marriage anymore.
How does it ever get fixed? How to fix the shattered, the irreparable, or the disappeared? There are things that cannot be fixed. Instead, they must be cried over and mourned.
You and your spouse cannot fix your marriage. You can only start afresh.
The fact that you are still together tells me that you both have commitment. That sliver of commitment is enough of a place to stand to begin again. You must think I am insane to tell you that one can start over with something this broken. Nevertheless, it has been done, many, many times.
It is a time of courage, soul-searching, and honesty. It is a time to bite the tongue until it bleeds, and listening through tears. It is time for both of you to submit to that third entity in your lives that you have been ignoring, called the Marriage.
Someone far wiser than me said that love is not a feeling, but instead, love is a decision. Find a counselor committed to restoring broken marriages. Find some friends or family that can be supportive. Both of you hug your children close to you. Hold onto that family. Out of ashes, people have used determination, love, forgiveness, and grace to grow the best of families.
Web, We are leaving on a trip next week. I would like to leave our dog at a kennel but my wife insists that we pay for a dog sitter to stop by two or three times a day to care for it. She thinks a kennel would be too traumatic for the dog.
I think it will do just fine. There are very few situations less worthy of your time and energy than this one. To get all crumpled about where your dog spends your vacation is just asking for a miserable time. My guess is your wife likes the dog more than you do.
So, let Puppy have its sitter and focus on having a relaxing time. Web, My wife left me last month with the children and ran off with a man who works with her at the real estate office.
He has been divorced three times and is smooth. Sally just got into real estate last year to help us out financially. The children and I have been walking around shell-shocked.
Sally called last night to ask whether she could visit us. What do we do? It sounds like your wife and the mother of your children got seduced. I am not taking any responsibility away from her, but there is a big difference between a spouse who has a pattern of stepping out and lying, and someone who has temporarily gone crazy.
I would invite her over and listen. There is a lot at stake here. Talk to your minister, rabbi, or priest about a marriage counselor who is committed to healing broken marriages. Web, How should men and women treat each other? Two very old fashioned words come to mind, honor, and respect. Men should honor women, which means they should not look at women as sexual releases. Women should respect men, and not use underhanded or dishonest means of winning their hearts.
Web, My husband hasn't touched me sexually in years. We have been partners in child rearing but have had no sex life. He just faded away in that department about ten years ago. Today I found that he has an extensive set of Internet porn files and chat emails.