Enneagram 6 and 9 relationship mistakes

enneagram 6 and 9 relationship mistakes

The Enneagram is just the first step of a self-discovery process that is continually unfolding. an ancient personality typing system and is divided into nine numbers and subdivided into three triads. TYPE SIX: The Loyalist. How about sloth (type 9) and lust (type 8)? There are better ways to talk about this. the body-based types - Eight, Nine and One – have a key relationship with anger. After all, there are always mistakes and imperfections in this world to justify .. For type Six there was no assigned “sin” in the Christian tradition, although. Type Six - The Troubleshooter - engaging, loyal, likable, responsible, Enneagram 6 and 9 relationships Personality Psychology, Personality Types, Infj Type.

Then each can get frustrated, impatient, angry, and distance himself or herself from each other, leading to alienation and distant co-existence or dissolution of the relationship. Inattention to feelings and relationship issues, excessive focus on work and accomplishments, desire for too much recognition, and difficulty slowing pace. What to Appreciate in Other Performers. Notice pace and moderate pace and allow in the receptive force. Encourage expression of feelings in each other associated with the development of the receptive force.

Create time for non-work related activities and simply the relationship. Recognize that love comes from being, not doing. Performers wanting approval try harder, yet often still disappoint the Romantic who pursues the ideal relationship. This pattern can result in a sustained gulf between them and even lead to dissolution of the relationship. Idealism, deep feelings, sensitivity to others, creative disposition, and quest for authenticity and depth.

Allow self to experience depth of true feelings and more receptive force. Pay attention to and support the relationship. Attention going to what is missing rather than what is present, imbalance regarding feeling versus doing preoccupation with feelings and sometimes inattention to doingdesire for more attention and special treatment, and tendency to become self-centered.

Support for action, sustained effort, optimism, practicality, goal focus, and competence. Stay active and present even when feeling deficient. Balance the human feeling side of endeavors with action. Acknowledge own sense of wanting more attention and depth. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 5, the Observer Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Performers and Observers support each other in work projects and shared activities.

As neither type habitually attends to feelings, they are unlikely to resolve the situation through dialogue and expression of personal feelings. They may become alienated and lonely leading eventually to termination the relationship. Pressure to move ahead, focus mainly on tasks and goals, impatience with analysis, shared difficulty in expressing personal feelings, and tendency to cut corners.

Thoughtful analysis, thinking before doing, dispassion and relative calm under pressure, and undemanding quality. Allow for periods of inactivity and reflection while encouraging the Observer to stay engaged. Work on shared difficulty in paying attention to feelings. Respect boundaries and different work styles. Notice and moderate the fast go ahead energy and pace.

Can-do attitude, accomplishment orientation, competence, engagement in life tasks, showing care through doing and facilitating goals, and enthusiasm. Practice staying engaged and connected.

enneagram 6 and 9 relationship mistakes

Encourage Performer to moderate pace and activity level. Work on shared difficulty paying attention to feelings. Declare when alone time is needed. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 6, the Loyal Skeptic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts When sharing a common purpose or goal, Performers and Loyal Skeptics can complement each other well with an action orientation balanced by thoughtful downside analysis.

When Performers push ahead, somewhat blind to potential hazards and what can go wrong, Loyal Skeptics can react with caution and contrary thinking about pitfalls and worst case scenarios. A cycle of escalating conflict can take place with the Performer seeing this as putting up obstacles to progress and success, which evokes impatience and a push forward into action.

The Loyal Skeptic then can feel unheard and discounted, which increases his or her doubt and mistrust. This can spiral into a web of angry allegations and eventually estrangement.

Loyalty, warmth, healthy skepticism and questioning, ability to see the bigger picture, and sensitivity. Develop respect for pitfalls and downside of endeavors. Practice expressing own true feelings. Notice and moderate fast pace and allow in receptive force. Optimism, caring through doing, sustained focus on goals, positive go-ahead energy, and support for achievements. Practice trusting in plausible positive actions.

Be clear about own position and feelings. Pay attention to and express positives. Reduce tendency to either defer or challenge. Since both types avoid painful feelings and negatives, difficulties can reach crisis proportions before they are faced.

This cycle of blame creates pain and anger in both. If the difficulties are not faced, alienation can take place and the relationship can dissolve. Shared optimism and go-getter energy, mental quickness and inventiveness, positive possibility orientation, flexibility, and the playful adventuresome spirit.

Allow in painful feelings and seeming negatives and encouraging the Epicure to do likewise. Practice slowing the fast pace and allow in receptive force. Develop patience by noticing the tendency toward impatience and releasing from it. Positive active energy, accomplishment and solution orientation, disciplined goal focus, practicality, and caring through doing.

Allow in painful feelings and seeming negatives, encourage the Performer to do likewise. Come more into the present moment and away from future planning. Type 3, the Performer, and Type 8, the Protector Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Performers and Protectors can join together in pursuit of shared goals with vigor and determination. However, control and competition struggles can emerge unbuffered by softer feelings. A cycle of escalating conflict can ensue with the Protector picking up on the changes of position on the part of the shape-shifting Performer, leading to more provocation of the all-or-nothing style of confrontation.

Hurtful fights, withdrawal, and disruption of the relationship may ensue leading to termination the relationship. Strait-forwardness, big life energy, support for goals, action orientation, courage of convictions, and strength of purpose. Welcome negative feedback and challenge. Pay attention to own true feelings.

Encourage the Protector to express his or her softer more vulnerable side. Go-ahead energy, goal-directedness, achievement orientation, flexibility, enthusiasm, and caring through doing. Recognize Performer for positive contributions and encourage the expression of true feelings. Allow in own softer feelings and receptive force. In turn, Performers help to mobilize Mediators into action. Getting frustrated and impatient, the Performer may pressure the Mediator to make decisions.

Feeling discounted and controlled, the Mediator can become anxious, stubborn and resistive. This then may escalate into angry exchanges and debilitating, prolonged stand-offs that threaten or may even dissolve the relationship. Preoccupation with success and recognition, fast pace, inattention to feelings, self-focus, and desire to maintain a good image.

Steadiness, ability to defer, adaptability, empathy, genuine support and caring, and ability to set slower pace and provide a counterbalance to active energy.

Relationships (Type Combinations) — The Enneagram Institute

Notice and express own true feelings. Practice receptivity — really listening. Ability to focus on goals and solutions both for self and other, joy in doing, can-do attitude, sense of hope, and competence. Insist on being heard. Encourage Performer to moderate pace and listen.

Concentrate on what is wanted and important, not on what is not wanted and inessential. Then, they may feel disappointed in each other or themselves and feel that something important is lacking. A push-pull can take place between them when what is absent and longed for seems better or more ideal than what is present and fulfilling. A cycle of escalating conflict can arise in, which they compete for understanding, acknowledgement, support, and attention.

Moodiness, anger over disappointments, and loss of steadiness may ensue. When this push-pull cycle repeats often enough the relationship can destabilizes and dissolve. Tendency toward self-preoccupation, desire to be special and unique, focusing on what is missing rather than what is present, and push-pull swings of emotion. What to Appreciate in Other Romantics. Intensity, depth of feeling and reflection, idealism, the romantic and aesthetic flair, empathy for suffering, and authenticity.

Seek to understand rather than be understood. Practice staying steady and present, especially in the midst of strong emotion. Appreciate the ordinary as well as the extraordinary. Focus on what is present rather than what is missing. In general, however, Romantics want more and Observers want less in relationship. Romantics can experience Observers as emotionally unavailable, overly intellectual, withholding, and controlling of time and energy, while Observers can experience Romantics as too emotional, demanding, intrusive, and difficult to satisfy.

A cycle of escalating conflict can occur with the Romantic becoming more demanding and self-focused and the Observer more retracted and detached from feeling. At worst, this can devolve into paralysis of action, disengagement, and ultimately alienation. Desire for more feeling and attention, difficulty feeling satisfied with what is present, strong emotional expression, and tendency to become self-oriented.

Thoughtful analysis, dispassion, steadiness, non-demandingness, good personal boundaries, and self-sufficiency. Soften claims for depth of connection and feelings. Welcome less rather than more as desirable. Show gratitude for what is present in the relationship.

Stay present in order to respect personal boundaries. Encourage Observer to stay connected and move into life. Tendency to detach from feelings and go into the mind, habit of over-intellectualizing, tendency to get overly protective of time and energy, and pulling away rather than engaging in interaction and fully in life.

Depth of feeling, idealism, desire for authenticity and connection, deep caring, and heartfelt empathy. Work at staying present and connected. Value and express feelings. Clarify that time for self does not mean rejection. Realize that relationships will nurture rather than drain you. Encourage the Romantic to appreciate what is present. Loyal Skeptics appreciate the creative flair, authenticity or genuineness, and depth of heartfelt feeling of Romantics. But conflict arises when the Romantic seem insatiable in wanting what is lacking and when their feelings change dramatically.

This, in turn, can generate a cycle of escalating conflict, which leads to further disappointment, hurt, and demands for attention by the Romantic accompanied by the push-pull pattern of alternatingly spurning and embracing the Loyal Skeptic, which tends to magnify or heighten his or her doubts and mistrust of the relationship. Angry outbursts, accusations, and withdrawal may be the result disrupting the relationship. Tendency toward self-centeredness, emotional changeability, contrariness, focusing on what is missing or lacking, and desire for more.

Loyalty, sensitivity, thoughtfulness, vivid imagination, sense of humor, and questioning mind. Practice steadiness, especially regarding swings in feelings. Reduce own tendency to be contrary and oppositional. Affirm commitment to relationship.

Pay more attention to the positives in life and encourage the Loyal Skeptic to do the same. Mistrust of big and fluctuating feelings, tendency to limit others to gain certainty, doubting love can endure hence testing the other, habit of focusing on the worst case, and desire for reassurance. Depth of feeling, idealism, commitment to authenticity, depth of understanding, curiosity, and creative disposition.

enneagram 6 and 9 relationship mistakes

Accept shifts of feelings being aware of the tendency to magnify what could go wrong. Keep trust in relationship going. Seek to understand rather than doubt the relationship.

Pay more attention to positives in life and encourage the Romantic to do the same. And since work is so dear to her, the six has an extra hard time making job decisions. Unfree sixes are very worried what others think of them. This wanting to be liked is always serving the deep seated need to be safe. Until a six accesses her own power, and finds her limits, she will be very dependent of the approval of others.

Her need to be normal, fit in, be like the other kids, is fueled by the longing to belong somewhere, somehow. A six wants to be safe, and comfortable that is her inner nine child.

Sixes also have an eye for quality. This always has to do with being comfortable and safe. They like status, which is also a form of safety seeking. You can hide behind your title or your position, for lack of authentic authority. Communication If you are a six you rely very much on verbal and written communication.

And you believe it can solve most things. You simply do not imagine people would hide things, for you believe everyone wants all cards on the table, like you do. A six tries to have a clear communication with people. If she does not succeed, she thinks she is not being clear enough. And tries to clarify things, communicating more. Sixes dislike vagueness and covering up.

They want clarity and honesty and that is what they offer. Only when afraid of an angry reaction, will a six bite her tongue.

Enneagram Type 6: The Loyal Skeptic - Leslie Hershberger

Most sixes feel uncomfortable with things being hidden, covered up or unnatural. Sixes love jobs where they communicate. They love to listen to people, and help them sum up what is important to them.

They are out to clarify. Or to clearly convey things that inspire them to others. A six also loves it when others care about what she is trying to communicate. Clear communication is a sixes idea of a great relationship.

Type Six: The Loyal Skeptic

If you are a six you like to explore reality. If you find that your partner in conversation is covering things up, pretending, or just playing with words, you will get bored and not see the point to the conversation.

When communication breaks down, it is very stressful to a six. She needs to find out what happened and make sure all is clear, before she can let it rest. If there is anger, or merely lack of clarity, she cannot really drop the issue. A six feels more uneasy than most around people who are angry and discontent for reasons that are unclear to her.

When a six is afraid in a situation, she will typically lose her ability to communicate clearly. Which feels like a great loss of power to her. The focus of a six is very here and now, and she will find it difficult to draw on experience in a tense situation. Instead, she may start an investigation based on what she feels here and now and get quite lost in a thinking that confuses her more than it clarifies.

She needs to allow herself to drop down and relax, before she tries to respond. When fear takes over she may experience confusion that may intensify into an experience of black out. Once she grounds herself the information she needs will again be more accessible. Looking for know how As a head type, sixes rely on ideas to feel safe and capable. A six wants to know how things are. A positive idea or theory that she feels is authentic and will stand the test of time, will make her feel safe and good.

Ideas that make her uncertain or that are negative make her afraid. What mainly makes a six afraid, is the idea that she lacks know how. It is not a realistic knowing that others may know more. Rather, it is a fantasy of know how more substantial than your own, that others supposedly possess. And a lack of trust in oneself to have enough know how when one needs it. If you are a six you will simply forget that you know.

And if a piece of knowledge is not conscious in your mind at a particular moment you do not trust that it is there. You will also see others do things and hear them speak, and think that they know more, or better.

Doing new things, a six does not really trust she can do it until she gains some experience that shows her she coped fine. When that happens she typically forgets all about it and takes it for granted that she knows how, as long as she is performing that particular task with some regularity. But if some time passes, she may actually forget, and again not trust she knows how. When a six gets into worrying because she doubts herself, she can really stress herself out.

Generally it is enough for her to calm down that someone tells her with conviction that she does know. Then the block goes away, and the six starts to remember pieces of trustworthy knowledge. A six also feels pressured to know right away and to be accountable. She hates to feel put on the spot and not be able to explain or clarify things. She will normally take it upon herself to be clearer. It is hard for a six to understand that others may not know enough on the subject, or not make much effort to follow.

If you are a six you will often take the role of the student, the one who does not know. This can be an asset when you are in fact gathering information. But when you really do know, and maybe more than most, on a subject, it becomes a trap.

enneagram 6 and 9 relationship mistakes

Sixes and relationships If you are a Questioner you will need to look at your tendency to try and think your way to safety and to seek guidance from others. Just like the other fear types a six will look to others to provide thoughts and information.

In the case of a six she will listen too much and believe others to know more than herself. That is a distortion of reality and it will cause those relationships where she takes the student role to be unequal. She simply needs to let that illusion go, and give up hope about outer guidance. Ideas may inspire you if you are a six, and support is a fine thing, but you are responsible and you must be your own authority.

A six who is in a relationship, or is raising a family, is very focused on the logistic wellbeing of her partner and children, and on the logistic details of the home. Just like a two, also an adaptive type, is focused on the emotional state and the emotional wellbeing of her partner, a six cares that everything run smoothly for her loved ones, as well as for herself. When everyone is comfortable and things are on track, the six can fully engage in and enjoy her own comfort and flow.

Sixes sometimes neglect their own interesest because they believe everything must be safely and well organized first. Sixes doubt their know how at work, and work in the broadest sense. To a six a relationship or being a parent is also work. In the sense of a logistic task. Accept insecurity as part of life. Use your five senses. When you walk outside or go into the grocery, pause. Notice shapes, colors, sounds, smells. Check out your projections.

Sometimes they are only partially true. There may be other important information that helps you with perspective. Recognize that fight and flight are reactions to fear. Observe fear and calm it through gentle breathing. Click here for Type Six breath practices. Move ahead in spite of fear. Intentionally cultivating a gratitude practice is an excellent way to broaden our focus of attention.

If you are a Six, practice gratitude for your successes, your gifts, for the good things in your life. You tend to have amnesia when it comes to your successes. Also, check out your Green Zone behaviors and Red Zone behaviors.

This may help you to see how you react when calm and grounded and when under stress. In the video below, I touch on the differences between 1s and 6s in the final third of the video.